Dealing with Introverts – a guide for extroverts
April 4th, 2010I hate categories that define people into groups, since things are so complicated – Over the past few months though I wanted to address issue related to extroverts vs introverts. The reasoning for this really started from our move to agile – and specifically “Agile Bob” on what he said during one of the social events. Really from that, I realized really how difficult it really is for people to understand an introvert well.
First let me start by describing what, exactly, an introvert is. An introvert is someone who is usually claimed as being shy. An introvert usually has few friends, dislikes large group events, and generally doesn’t brag about their accomplishments and abilities. This differs from an extrovert because an introvert needs to have “alone” time to really recharge. What this means is that an introvert likes to spend at least some time by themself doing something they love.
In comparison to extroverts, introverts have as much drive when it comes to their goals in life as extroverts do. Extroverts like to meet many people, and chat with others – introverts (depending how much one is) tends to not go out to meet others. What’s important to note is that introverts don’t do this because they dislike others, but because the trust isn’t there. An introvert can be mistaken for disliking another person because they don’t chat personally with the other person – again, this should not be assumed. Speaking from myself, I can’t name one person that I really dislike. Generally, I feel fairly neutral toward everyone and consider few really friends. When an introvert doesn’t speak, it also shouldn’t be assumed they are annoyed or upset about anything. As I’ve mentioned to others – the more people involved with something, the less an introvert may actually talk. Speaking from my experience, if the meeting has more than say 4 or so people at it, my participation tanks big time. With everyone trying to make their point, trying to be right or whatever, I personally don’t want to be any part of that. On the other hand, if someone asks for my opinion 1-on-1 or even in a smaller group setting, I’ll near talk their ear off. My boss (not my direct supervisor) has a lot of my respect because he understands this point and makes good use of it.
So now that I explained a bit about introverts, how does one handle them? Before I get into that though – one thing I want to correct “Agile Bob” on is that introverts do not try to avoid being accountable for their actions any more than extroverts do. Introverts may feel a bit more shy about talking about what they are working on. Speaking from experience, I really dislike standups in the sense of trying to describe what I’m doing – yet I work on a lot more for the office than most see (in my off time – including 2 projects currently that may end up helping the office a lot – just few know about them yet).
Ok, so now how to handle an introvert.
1) Don’t be shy of just going up and talking to one. This doesn’t mean infront of everyone asking something personal – think 1 on 1. It’s not that hard, either through IM or just go up to them. Speaking from experience – I tend to be very open in how I feel about stuff and that includes my opinion. I don’t like being infront of others talking about my opinion unless I’m extremely passionate about it – but I still have opinions.
2) During meetings, the more people there are, the less introverts talk. This isn’t bad, the solution is simple – ask questions or give space for introverts to give their opinion. Frankly the meeting coordinator should do their best to get everyone’s opinion, but I haven’t experienced many people who do this worth anything. Extroverts can easily take up all the space when it comes to giving their opinions on how something can be done. Again, introverts do have opinions, and the danger one runs into without getting balanced opinions in general is someone just doing it their own way in the end anyways. This goes for both extroverts and introverts and is just human tendency. People want their input to feel valuable and their presence to feel valuable.
3) Don’t expect introverts to go to parties, out to eat with large groups of people, and so on. Large social gatherings are likely just not an introvert’s thing. Speaking for myself, I am more than glad to go out to eat with one or two other people maximum – but any more than that and I usually pass. This is why I go for tea with Jeff often, he figured this part out easily. Greg’s done a good job with this as well.
Those are the biggies – but really all this comes down to is communication. Introverts can have a depth of knowledge, experience, and feelings that most people see the tip of the iceburg when it comes to that. Introverts tend not to for bonds as easily as extroverts do for more reasons than I can really count. The important thing to remember is that assumptions in near anything in life is an evil that needs to be watched for.
This only gives a smaller chunk about introverts – but the most relevant to what I deal with on a day to day basis, so that’s why I’m focusing on that more here.





